Survivor, or The One You Will Probably Forget By The End

I've maintained from the beginning that the first four episodes of any season of Survivor are all but write-offs, just a chance to start to get familiar with the people who are going to be the real players while still giving the poor saps who go first a chance at their fifteen minutes. This episode held true to this formula, and I'm afraid did so without much excitement, save for one laughably odd editing decision.

Thus we are treated to more squabbling, whether over Zoolanders attempts to brow-beat his entire team into slack-eyed submission or Poker-Man and his incredible strategy of annoying everyone to death. I realize most people have little control over whether they snore or not, but they do have control over whether they think that all teammates of the opposite sex are in proximity only to be your personal blankets at night. Ick!

I won't even go into the challenge details, because mostly they were pretty ordinary. Challenges where they have to beat each other up always bore me a little, because people like James are obviously going to dominate, so there just isn't that much intrigue. Zoolander stripped down naked, which I might have appreciated more as a strategy had Rich Hatch not already gone down that road. Also, why is it always the kinda smarmy people who get naked like that? Ultimately it didn't do him any good either which I was glad for, although the girls on his team pulled it out in their rounds and won the game. The other challenge was a bit more heartbreaking, at least for fans of the waitress. I was tempted to make excuses for her pathetic attempts at wielding a machete that probably weighed more than she did to chop through wood and seven ropes, because the later challenges like "Stand on a Pole" will probably be more up her alley. But I didn't, because she still has to pay for mocking the monks. So ha!

The best part of the challenge, and I say that tongue-in-cheek, was that as each person whipped their machete through the air to cut down a hanging bundle, the camera went into freeze-frame with sound effects mode. Burnett, dude, are you kidding me? That kind of iMovie cheese has got to go. I mean, like I said, the episode was pretty bland and I know you were just trying to give me something to hold on to. And in that respect it worked, it was the most memorable thing in the episode. But please, for the love of all things awesome, please promise me you will never, ever, do that again.

In the end, three people seemed vulnerable: Lazy Poker Man Who Snores, Waitress Who Weighs Less Than A Machete, and Sister Christian. Personality wise it was a hard decision between Poker Man and Waitress. But the team blindsided me, and decided the biggest threat was Sister Christian, who found out that there were other Christians on the other team, and they worried that the Christian brothers and sisters might someday start an Inquisition and get rid of all their pagan asses, so they preemptively sent her off to Heaven early. I was totally bummed by this move, because I am positive that she would have provided far more quality television that Waitress can ever hope to do. But I couldn't blame them, since I'm sure we all remember what happened when the "trustworthy" Boy Scout Troop Leader Lady decided to play dirty in Panama and voted off my man Andrew.

Sister Christian's goodbye speech once again confirmed that she was a rockin' contestant, as she didn't act all pissy and wounded. The goodbye speech is always a window into the real person, rather than the persona they adopt for the game, and it can be quite revealing into who is awesome and who sucks. She was awesome. She was a little crazy and weird, but that is far preferrable to many of her other whiny bickersome teammates.

And, are they ever going to introduce us to the lady who looks like she has a mullet although I don't think it is literally a mullet? Has she said more than three words on camera yet? She reminds me a lot of the truck driver that was on the season that the Mormon girl almost won who lasted until like the final five yet remained near invisible the entire time. Are some people really THAT boring? Even the one girl who Gay Mormon Flight Attendant has an alliance with was mostly invisible, and he was hanging out with the obnoxious waitress most of the episode.

Three episodes down, and two of the most interesting players are gone. Chicken was annoying, but you could make a case for him being interesting too I guess. I just look forward to less bickering and more delicious deviousness. And one of them better find that "hidden" immunity idol soon, or I am going to go out of my mind.